idle

(i dont like to punctuate and my grammar is trash, be quiet)


  im not gonna say that the past few months of 2017 were absolute trash because that would be a lie. im not gonna say they were amazing either because that , too,  would be a lie. what im trying to say is that there were moments where i was the happiest, moments i spent listening to music early in the winter mornings, moments where i laughed wholeheartedly with my buds, moments i spent walking around foreign cities with my family. what im trying to say is that there were also moments where i was angry, moments where i furiously typed in rants after rants to a friend a whole ocean away, moments where i couldnt really be bothered at all to make any minute of the day worth anything.

i guess the later over-numbered the moments i spent feeling cheery. which is totally not a surprise considering i am a teenager anyways and teenagers are big piss babies who cry over everything or whatever. another thing about me is that i dont go to school anymore due to my gap year.

    "Idleness is only the refuge of weak minds, and the holiday of fools." - philip dormer stanhope

i feel as though one of the main reasons as to why i've been going through an "ok-but-how-about-we-just-sleep-the-whole-day-instead?" slump is because i've been awfully idle. i barely do anything. the only activity i have is taekwando practice which happens twice a week, and a 2 hour arabic class twice a week. other than that my days are spent ghosting around the house washing the dishes, cleaning the litter box, doing laundry, napping, going through instagram, and more napping. i also spend quite some time petting my cat. 

i had so much in mind back in school. all i could think back then was about all the things i would do during my gap year. i wanted to read, paint, watch all those animes i've been pushing away, and alot  more but it seems i've lost a lot, if not all, of my motives. 

not only am i a sloth around the house, i also double as a grazing cow! i know! im so talented it's so hard for me to keep track sometimes. because i've been in this "meh" state, i spend my days and nights just grazing on any snacks around the house and overeating literally 24/7.  there's a basic principle: eat like shit, you'll feel like one. when i eat badly i end up feeling physically tired and ready for a nap (do you see my problem smh everything leads to a nap) at any given moment, this has also affected my stamina because i tend to feel too bloated to run anyways and now i cant go up the stairs without dying halfway through. 

i tell my friends im living my life like a retired grandma but my grandma's retired yet she bowls almost every day  and does alot of fun stuff so i guess im just living like a 30 year old college dropout stoner who lives in the basement of their parent's house. 

April is the month i'll be moving out and entering college (inshaAllah), and i am determined to make this my month. i dont want to spend my time whining around the house and sleeping on every single couch and chair we have, i want to do the things i was hoping i'd do. i want to live. (corny i know but bare with me please i've been practically living like a corpse, let me have my emotions) 

this morning i woke up late, although i knew my father was going to get me pancakes for breakfast i still didnt really feel like getting up and genuinely contemplated just wasting the day again because hey you've been doing it for the past few months so why stop. but for the love of pancakes i got up anyways. first few hours of the morning was spent hazily, scrolling through tumblr, refreshing my instagram page 60 times, rolling around in bed until i was hit with so much frustration and anger that i whipped out my bullet journal and decided to start a page for April, a new page for a new month, just like how i used to always do back when i actually had stuff to do. 

I made it super cute and pretty because i was so determined to not waste my free time anymore. i knew it was on, it's "Girl Boss Nia" time, im not going to be the lazy sloth i am anymore, im going to do fun stuff i've been wanting to do since forever.

few hours later i wanted to nap and die again so that was slightly useless. 

then, an old school friend phoned me. for two hours straight, i laughed and smiled and rambled on and on and on. she listened to me talk about Paris while i listen to her talk about school, it went on like that for awhile and,,,, listen to me when i say this, please call your friend. try calling them instead of texting them for once, hear how they sound when they laugh and when they choke on their words giggling. because it might just make their day. it made mine.  

after the phone call, i jumped straight into the shower and properly started my day with a much more clearer head space. i dont want to live like this anymore.

maybe this is all a huge joke and i'll go back to napping and wanting to evaporate off earth, but for now, i feel content and hopeful. that's all that matters.